The state of things

Lately, I've been dissatisfied, sort of restless, and (last week at least) down. And I keep dwelling on things. Well, I say <i>things</i>, but it's mostly work -- anxiety about meetings with my supervisor and others, about not Doing Enough Things, about looking dumb in front of others or incurring disapproval for one failing or another. I'm not even sure why, because my last couple of work reviews have gone well. Objectively, it wouldn't even be the end of the world if the absolute worst were to happen and I were suddenly let go, as quite a few of my coworkers were in the mass layoff a year or two ago; I have enough money saved up to float me for a little while, and it'd free me up for a while from the constant undercurrent of worry. 

 

I think part of it is that I've been trained to look externally for validation and reinforcement. I compare myself to others, I want to be the best, and it's hard to separate my own sense of self-worth from the thing I spend forty hours a week of my life at. It feels like how well I do here reflects who I am as a person, even if I know that of course that's not the truth. Even if I try to remind myself that this isn't all there is. 

 

I hate disappointing people, and I hate being put on the spot. Day-to-day, I think to myself that there's really not much for me to complain about, but I think it's just because this place has trained me constantly to bulldoze into things that innately make me uncomfortable, because I've done them so often I've forgotten my discomfort and how <i>not</i> to suck things up. 

 

Aside from that, I'm also impatient because I want to improve myself, but it often feels like slow going -- I don't feel like I'm great at anything I'm currently trying to throw myself into. That feeling of a lack of progress, or even simply feeling tired from the workday, makes me more prone to sitting around dully surfing the internet than working to better myself. But those feel like excuses.